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Painting Ideas/Script
Opening Sequence :Amir: Hi, you're watching art. :Jake: Jake and Amir. :Amir: In action. Movement. Comedy. Episode :is sitting on the couch. After a few seconds, he seems to notice the viewer, curiously narrowing his eyes directly at the camera. Amir comes in and sits beside Jake, distracting him. :Amir: Hey bub. Mind if I pitch you some painting ideas? :Jake: What? :Amir: I'll take that as a no... :Jake: Great. :Amir: ...but I don't take no for an answer! Scoot over! :Jake: You're already sitting. :Amir: You're taking up the whole couch! ---- :Amir: Alright, have you ever seen a painting of just, like, a fucking field? Not even of people. Just a landscape. :Jake: Yes. Of course. :Amir: aback Ow, that hurts... :Jake: You thought you were the first person ever to come up with the idea of painting nature? :Amir: Never mind, I said. :Jake: When did you say "never mind"? You just said it for the first time now. :Amir: nodding Yeah. ---- :Amir: What's the gayest part of painting? :Jake: Nothing. :Amir: his hand That you do it with a brush. :Jake: Homophobic. Dumb. :Amir: Which is why I'm using this. up a palette with paint :Jake: You have paint. What would you use to get it on the canvas? :Amir: ...Oh, no! ---- :Amir: See if you can wrap your fat little Jew cock around this idea: It's a portrait painting of a woman. pauses ...Hmm? Thoughts? :Jake: ...Sure. :Amir: Has it been done? ---- :Amir: Alright, what if I forgo the canvas, and just straight up paint on a building? :Jake: Yeah, that's street art. That's pretty fun. Sure. :Amir: That's not fun, if it's been done! :Jake: That's an awful slogan, and a bad way to live your life. It insinuates that nobody but you can have a good idea. :Amir: Exactly right. :Jake: Yet all of your ideas so far have been unoriginal. :Amir: Forget it, I said! :Jake: No you didn't! You never said what you said you said. I don't think I've ever seen you say what you said you said. ---- :Amir: You know, what the big issue is is that I was born too late, so all the good shit's already been done. :Jake: How dare you? You have every modern convenience. I mean, this is probably the only era that you could survive in-- :Amir: I would have killed it in Egypt, as a slave. Did you know, actually, here's a-- ...I came up with the pyramids. ---- :Amir: What about a dude? :Jake: Is your goal to paint something totally original? :Amir: Mm-hmm. :Jake: That's never been painted before? :Amir: That's right. :Jake: And your first three ideas were a dude-- :Amir: simultaneously Dude. :Jake: --a girl-- :Amir: simultaneously A girl. :Jake: --and a landscape. :Amir: Nature, yeah. Nature landscape. :Jake: Bad. You're bad. ---- :Amir: singing There will be the sun, let it be...! :Jake: Great. So to recap, you think you think you came up with the pyramids... :Amir: Yes. :Jake: ...and "Let It Be"... :Amir: simultaneously "Let It Be". Correct. :Jake: ...before-- independently of those things-- :Amir: simultaneously Of the Beatles. Yeah, exactly. :Jake: Got it. Okay, anything else? By the way, you did not hum "Let It Be" right-- :Amir: Cold cuts. :Jake: Alright... ---- :Amir: Head of a frog, body of a deer... he's golfing by himself, under the ocean, the floor is fire. Have you seen that? :Jake: I guess not. No. :Amir: Perfect! :Jake: Can you paint it? :Amir: No, not without an easel. :Jake: Get out of here. Please. Go. :Amir: up and walking away Jesus. :Jake: Through the window, if you don't mind. :Amir: back the other way Are you kidding me? :Jake: I'm not kidding! Extended take :Amir: Cold cuts, was me. Sliced turkey, sliced, uh... stuff like that. Have you had a sandwich today? :Jake: Sliced turkey-- you couldn't come up with another meat? :and Amir both crack up. :Jake: But you invented cold cuts? :Amir: I don't remember everything I did.